A Practical Guide to Confidence That Doesn’t Require a Glow-Up

I have this little ritual I do—more often than I care to admit—where I whisper to the Universe in a midnight prayer. A Hail Mary message hurled into the cosmos like a spiritual text with no read receipts: “If this is not for me, remove it from my life.”

And “this” could be anything. A person. A job. An apartment. A chaotic situationship. A crusty problem I’m pretending isn’t mine.

Now, before you go adding this line to your nightly manifesting routine, a word to the wise: only use this prayer if you’re actually ready to lose the thing you’re asking the Universe to take away. I don’t mean theoretically ready—I mean sit-with-the-weight-of-it and cry-about-it ready.

Because this prayer? It’s a bit of a challenge, a dare. I’m daring the Universe to listen. To sort through the clutter of my desires and do the cosmic spring cleaning I’m too afraid–or too unwilling–to do myself. I’m also daring myself to stay in alignment with the person I claim to be—even if that means watching something (or someone) I wanted slip away.

You’ve probably heard someone (usually when you’re mid-breakdown) say, “This is just a test!” A test from God, from the Universe, from Mercury in retrograde—to see how you respond. Maybe it’s the same devil in a new pair of Prada pumps, and the test is whether you’ll repeat the pattern or finally break it.

In these moments, I know toxic positivity can feel like getting a pat on the head while your house is burning down. You tell your best friend you’re spiraling, and they say something like, “Everything happens for a reason.” Or worse, you’re piecing together your love life like a fallen Jenga tower and someone tells you, “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

First of all: shut up. Respectfully. 

Second of all: as a vigilant, overprepared eldest daughter, when exactly do I not expect something to happen? I’ve got Plan A through Plan Z loaded and ready at all times.

Because here’s the thing, eldest daughter or not, we live in a world where connection is always one tap or swipe away. Text, call, DM, drone delivery, heartbreak via iMessage (brutal). From food to batteries to even intimacy, there are hardly any physical barriers between desire and execution. So when everything is accessible, we confuse available for good, leading us to end up in places or situations where we feel lost from ourselves. What was it again I wanted? Who am I again? 

We confuse movement with progress. Busyness with fulfillment. And when we don’t feel grounded in ourselves, we look outward for answers.

Thus, the midnight prayer. 

In a transactional world so saturated by constant communication and instant gratification, building an inner foundation of confidence is a low, steady art of becoming someone you trust.

Confidence is one of those words we often cling to when we’re trying to become some shinier, more ‘together’ version of ourselves.

We start mimicking the lives of people we see online—green smoothies, curated closets, perfect skin, Dakota Johnson-green kitchens—and hope their ‘confidence’ rubs off on us.  And sure, maybe those changes bring a dopamine hit. The metaphorical carrot of self-improvement dangles above our head.

But my spicy take? That’s all smoke and mirrors.

Confidence isn’t built in a self-improvement montage. Synonymous with the act of an extreme self makeover, confidence is actually how the sausage is made.  It’s built in the boring, brutal, in-between moments of real life. Not exactly a sexy quote for your Instagram Story, but I promise it’s the truth.

The problem with performative confidence—confidence for the timeline, your feed, the compliment—is that it crumbles under pressure. Someone doesn’t like you? Instant ding. Performing for external validation quiets the applause of internal acceptance. True confidence isn’t reactive, it’s calibrated. It doesn’t ask, “Will they like this version of me?” It asks, “Do I trust this version of me?”

By definition, confidence is “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something.” In other words: firm trust.

So let me ask you—can you rely on you?

That’s not a rhetorical question. Be honest with yourself. When you say you’ll go to that 6 a.m. workout, do you? When you promise yourself you’ll finally fold that pile of laundry on your bed (yes, that one), do you follow through? Are you loyal to your word when no one’s watching?

Because if you’re not, that’s your baseline. That’s you telling yourself, “I know I said I’d do this… but [insert excuse here]. Next time?”

The biggest disservice you could do to yourself is fail to do the things you said you would do. Confidence begins with the promises we keep or fail to keep to ourselves.

When you break a promise to yourself, you reinforce the belief that your needs can be deprioritized.

Okay, that was dramatic. But really. If you constantly let yourself off the hook, what are you teaching yourself to expect from others?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: how you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you. That begins with a solid foundation of self-trust. True confidence begins within—not in what others see, but in how you show up for yourself daily. And no, it won’t happen in a day—Rome wasn’t built overnight, but they didn’t have Wi-Fi or Amazon Prime.

But every day, you have the chance to choose differently. Ask yourself: How will I show up for myself today? What needs to get done, and how can I commit to seeing it through?

Don’t let the word “accomplish” intimidate you. Your task list can range from “run five miles at sunrise” to “finally take out the trash.” Both build character. One just smells worse if you procrastinate.

Confidence is cumulative. Every small action, every promise kept, is a brick in the foundation of self-trust. It doesn’t need to be perfect (believe me, I hated typing that). But you do have to show up for yourself, especially when it’s inconvenient or unglamorous. That’s the real test.

Motivation is cute, but she’s not reliable. She’ll ghost you the moment things get inconvenient. But consistency? Self-discipline? Those babes will always have your back, even when you don’t feel like it. 

Because here’s the thing—it’s not just about confidence. It’s about character. Who are you when no one is looking?

The way you move through life, the way you treat yourself in quiet moments, THAT is what defines you. Your essence! And when you know you can rely on yourself—really know it—that’s when things in your life start to change. The people around you feel it. You feel it.

That’s confidence that doesn’t need to be performed. It just is. And once you’ve built it, absolutely no one can take it from you. In time, that self-trust will radiate from the inside out.

I think the scariest part of my little midnight prayer—it demands surrender. Not the performative kind, where you pretend you’re cool letting go, but an actual surrender (relax your jaw). It asks you to admit that maybe you don’t always know what’s best for you. That maybe—just maybe—something falling apart isn’t failure. It’s alignment.

If you’ve done the inner reflection and committed yourself to yourself, you’re basically telling the Universe, “This is who I am. I’m sure of it. If this doesn’t align with me, remove it!”

But you can only be in a head and heart space to decide that when you can trust yourself. Inner confidence becomes your buffer against the noise—comparison, rejection, uncertainty. It’s not just a flex, it’s strength.

Inner confidence is your armor. You get to be the knight in shining armor. For yourself. It shields you from the chaos, the comparison, the ever-changing influence of what’s trendy versus what’s real. Because when you trust yourself, you’re no longer auditioning or asking permission to live your own life. You’re living it on your own terms. Have fun!